Breaking, Blooming Mind: Chapter 10
It's nearly ten-o'clock when Aconia wakes up. She curses to herself. There is a pounding in her head. There are a couple of advil and a large glass of water on the bedside table along with a note wishing her luck and love from Kris. She takes Advil, chasing the pills with the water provided. She gulps it down, thirstier than she should be. Her throat feels dry, her mouth like she has been sucking on moth balls the entire night. Aconia finishes her glass of water and takes it down stairs, refilling it and downing that one too.
She barely has enough time to get to the sink before she is heaving the pills and water back up. She dry heaves herself to sobs and collapses to the tile, clawing her hands through her hair. Aconia screams into the silence of the empty house, her voice breaking on the sound. In this moment, she would give anything to be normal, to be well, to be anything or anyone but the creature that she is.
By the time she pulls herself together, it is nearly noon and she is in danger of being late to her appointment. She doesn't bother putting on makeup. She doesn't bother to look put together. She throws on a hoodie and thick, fleece leggings. There is nothing that speaks of her usual self in her appearance. Aconia is aware of this as she straps into the driver's seat, turning on the engine. Her car takes a moment too long to turn over. It takes more than a single try and she slams her fists against the wheel. The car mercifully starts after this outburst. Aconia wipes the tears out of her eyes, scrubbing her face with her sleeve.
The drive into town is fast, far faster than she knows it to be. Aconia isn’t trying to be reckless, but she is. She is anxious to get to the office and she is lucky when she parks into a space in the lot without an accident or speeding ticket. She turns off the car and takes a moment to breathe before getting out and locking it. Heading inside, she is greeted by the receptionist. Checking in is like pulling her teeth out with her fingers. Aconia is taken back almost immediately and she realizes she has forgotten to check her weight before she leaves.
She curses softly, her blood pressure is too low, her heartbeat too high, her weight has shifted dramatically since her last visit. Eight pounds in two weeks would have had her mother celebrating and saying any number of prayers, singing praises to her double zero daughter. She is becoming dangerously thin. Aconia thought she was doing better, so why is she still losing weight?
Aconia sits in the waiting room for only a moment before she is called back to see her doctor. The disapproving, no, concerned look on her doctor's face makes Aconia anxious all over again. She feels the cold sweat break out across her body, her stomach twisting. It feels for a moment like she has been stabbed, like she is actively dying here in this doctor's office.
"I thought I was doing better." It's all Aconia can manage to gasp out.
"Have a seat, Aconia. Focus on breathing. I know this is hard for you." The doctor says, her bedside gentle. Aconia thinks about how it has improved over the years as her practice grows, so does her compassion. It gives Aconia the foothold of hope that she needs to keep going with this doctor's appointment, even though she wants to sprint out of the office and never return.
"Your test results came back. There are some pretty troubling things that we need to talk about." The Doctor continues once Aconia settles enough to have the conversation.
"Alright, so I've lost eight pounds in two weeks even though I'm eating. Please tell me it's a tapeworm." Aconia says, deadpanning. The Doctor gives a startled laugh.
"Oh honey, I wish it were something so simple. You're showing signs of liver damage or maybe kidney disease. We'll need to run some more tests to be sure of exactly what's going on. I'd like to do an ultrasound today while you're in the office. Are you up for that?" She asks.
"I guess? Why an ultrasound? Do you think I'm pregnant.?" Aconia asks, terrified that the answer will be yes even though she can't stop dropping weight. It explains the nausea and fatigue.
"Again, I wish it were so simple. We can check for hepatitis and check your gallbladder." The Doc replies.
"Okay. Let's get started then." Aconia says, sighing softly. It is going to be a much longer visit than she anticipated.
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When all is said and done, the doctor discovers hepatitis and a thickening of the Gallbladder wall. These things are alarming to Aconia. She doesn't understand how this has happened. She doesn't know of any changes to diet or medications that cause these side effects. Her symptoms are right in line with the illnesses that she is experiencing. The doctor and Aconia have a long conversation and when Aconia mentions the gaps in memory, more tests are ordered. Aconia's bloodwork is even more tubes than the last time. With nearly thirteen tubes taken, it feels like she has been in the chair, talking pleasantly with the young phlebotomist for an hour. In reality, it is only a few minutes.
When the phlebotomy nurse asks what they're screening for in toxicology, Aconia is baffled. She doesn’t know they are ordering a toxicological screening. Aconia is set to go back into the doctor's office to discuss the next steps she needs to take, including the diet and medication she needs to switch to until she can keep more weight on. They're testing everything and the kitchen sink at this point. Aconia knows it is for her own good. Still, she thought hepatitis was a sexually transmitted infection, not something you develop for other reasons.
The more Aconia thinks about that, the more suspicious she begins to grow of Kris. Did Kris contract Hepatitis before they were married and omit it? Could Kris be cheating on her? She didn't know what she was going to do. Aconia didn't know if she should tell Kris. She doesn’t know if she can trust him.
They'd discussed infidelity, what it meant. Aconia thought that flirting was alright, but nothing more. Kissing, holding hands, those are intimacies she treasures and she doesn't want them to be tarnished by someone outside the relationship. To think Kris might be having sex outside the relationship makes her head spin. There is betrayal curdling her stomach and Aconia realizes that she has stopped talking. The blood draw is finished but Aconia is still sitting in the chair. The phlebotomist clears her throat, asks if she is okay. Obviously, Aconia is not okay. Obviously, there are things going very, very wrong today. She tells the woman she is fine, excuses herself, and goes back to the Doctor's office.
Once back inside, she sits in the chair, staring her doctor down.
"Yes, Aconia?" The Doctor asks, unnerved by the sudden change in demeanor.
"Why are you doing a toxicology screen on me?" Aconia asks.
"Just to be sure. I want to make sure we don't miss anything. There are a few different avenues of what can cause Hepatitis. I want to be sure we treat the right one." The Doctor replies.
"What are the other types? I thought it was just an STI?" Aconia questions.
"That is the main one people know about, yes. There are viral Hepatitis A, B, C, D, and E. There are also auto-immune causes for Hepatitis, as well as Hepatitis caused by ingestion of hepatotoxic plants and substances. It is something that can occur when medications are used to treat other illnesses in the body. For now, I'm covering the board on all types so we can get you feeling 100% faster." The doctor does her best to keep her tone even, trying to reassure Aconia that it is a complication that can occur from more than sex.
"So, this isn't proof that my husband is cheating?" Aconia asks, point blank about her fears.
"No, this isn't direct proof. We'll see if it is a viral strain and that may point in the direction of multiple sexual partners, but there are other reasons someone can have a viral strain of hepatitis." She says.
"Like what?" Aconia persists.
"There are perinatal causes, the use of an unclean needle, and many other factors that could cause someone to contract HCV." Her doctor replies.
"Should my husband be tested too?" Aconia asks, calming considerably. It could be her fault if they both have it.
"I think that is a good idea. It will be good to know if both of you have it. I'd also recommend abstaining from sex until we have all the information. If your husband hasn't contracted it, you can have a conversation with him about the likelihood of contraction and how to practice safe sex and when not to have sex while you've got it, if it does turn out to be viral." The doctor says.
"Okay, are there any other tests?" She asks.
"Yes, I'd like you to go in for an MRI and I'd like a sonogram of the area as well. Neither are invasive. I don't think we'll need an x-ray right now since we have a good idea of how enlarged your liver currently is. I'm going to prescribe you a steroid. It should be ready in about thirty minutes. As for your diet, I want you to keep drinking the meal supplement shakes. I think two a day is a good number though they don't need to all be high protein. Otherwise, you can stick to BRAT-- bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast." She replies, smiling a little.
"Does it have to be bland? I'd really like to eat well when I feel up to it." Aconia grumps a bit, feeling like a petulant child. She remembers the BRAT diet and exactly how much she hates having to do it.
"It doesn't have to be bland if you can handle it, just be gentle with your body right now. Your body is struggling to process food and overeating, as much as under-eating, can make you sick. You'll need to take it easy until you recover. Then we can work on getting your weight back up alright?" The doctor says.
"Alright. Is there anything else? I'm thinking I'm going to make congee for dinner. BRAT but fancy." Aconia smiles as she speaks, just enough teeth, perfect and entirely fake.
"No, you can pick up your prescription and test paperwork on the way out. I'll see you again in about two weeks okay?" The doctor asks.
"Okay, see you then. Thanks Doc." Aconia says and gets up, leaving the office.
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Leaving the office is a longer process than she expects it to be. There is more paperwork, asking permission to share her medical history with this doctor and that. There are medical research waivers and Aconia suspects that there is something wrong, more rare than viral hepatitis. She isn't going to ask the doctor about it today. Dutifully, she signs page after page, initialing in the highlighted spaces, feeling like a specimen under the lens of a microscope, every issue with her body magnified and on display.
She does as the doctor orders, dutifully picking up her prescriptions and going to the Asian grocery store. If she is going to suffer through the BRAT diet, she is doing it with premium rice, thin sliced beef, pork belly, dashi, and just about anything else she thinks might make the next few weeks bearable. As a treat, she picks up a few different kinds of sweets, ice cream filled mochi, jujube, and a hoard of chips, cookies and hard candies. Kris will know by the pantry alone how her visit went.
Once the groceries have been put away, Aconia begins making dinner. She texts Kris, letting him know she has bought groceries and is home safe. He replies that he has to stay late and Aconia turns off her phone. Whatever life has been breathed into their relationship is now a vacuum.